2 a.m. right now. Sitting here in my lounge pants with the air-con switched on. I feel rather contented and wide-eyed. 2 more days and it’s back to the grind. Last year this time I was like an ant on wheels/hot pot but right now I am strangely calm, without a hoot of the imminent chaos this term. Work is not completed and it will never be. I hadn’t sit down and think through things but with pockets of minutes, I know that my life and mental/physical well-being is more precious than an administrative task.
If I were to be sick one day, who is going to be there for me? I believe it will be my family members whom I have taken so granted for and my true friends (I will know who they are then). What about my superiors? I really can’t be sure. Financially stable for medical fees? Nah, I gotta depend on myself. So yup, my body and mind is more important to me than anything else. If I don’t take care of myself, I can’t take care of my family members and I can’t do a good job at work.
I need a new mindset and be physically strong (these can easily be my resolutions for 2016).
A new mindset to withstand whatever/whoever that propels my insanity. A thirst for knowledge. A mindset that believes that someone is out there to protect me, to support me in a spiritual sense.
I have to be physically strong – to rid of the timidness and nervousness. To be healthy.
Was hesitant between continuing with my work and writing my first formal blog post in this old-new blog. Old because I had this WordPress account at least 3 years ago and new because I have deleted the old blogs linked to this account.
So why am I trying to write again? Well, I need this right now in my life and that’s the main reason why I created this blog in the first place so here goes:
I’m at a crossroad in my life, more of work-related. Also, this time I can’t be bothered how well my sentences and paragraphs are framed. Anyway, back to the crossroad. I’m pretty much exhausted and tired of seeing the same old faces of higher authority. Exhausted because I have been working so hard – I consider myself having two jobs, both well-paid and I want to give my best to both. I keep telling myself, “I can do this.”, “It’s for the money.” Yet, right now everything has come to a standstill and I’m not as strong-minded as I used to be. I’m bored at the same old routine albeit still driven by the dollars.
Someone I met about half a year ago at my language class recently told me a simple story about someone in the same situation as me – well, if you are still young and well, stick with the higher paying job. Makes simple sense, doesn’t it?
I work hard on weekends in my supplementary job and harder in my core job. Lack of motivation caused by uninspiring, petty ‘leaders’ at work and co-workers who are dependent lead me to what I am feeling right now – in fact, for a few months already. I read somewhere that change either comes from the outside or the inside. If you can’t do anything to the outside, change the inside. I can’t change everyone and everything at job #1 and my mind is too tired to change form the inside. So how?
I’m falling apart in all aspects of my life. My health hasn’t been all great, I’m tired all the time, I’m not catching up in language class, I forget things now, and my wealth and health (my main goals for 2015) is not growing.
I have never been able to keep a blog.